When personal vulnerability lands well with audiences (and when it doesn't)
I am performing introspection on the topic of performative introspection because this is the internet and everything is discourse.
A new “tweet that launched a thousand think pieces” emerges every few days. The first one of the year is compliments of @bukowskiasagirl, though quickly edged out by the “do playgrounds belong in libraries” debate and the ever-present Taylor Swift Attended a Football Game Hot Take™.
As an act of self love, I usually don’t get sucked into these. It’s the exact reason I straight up don’t scroll social media after 8 pm anymore, actually. But this one hit a tender spot, I suspect due to the deeply fitting nature of a post which became about performative introspection gained traction during arguably the most introspective days of the year.
So as a light subject to bring us back from our holiday hiatus, let’s dive into the question: Where is the line between vulnerability and performance? And how do I make sure my content falls on the right side of it?
First, here’s the tweet in question.
And a sampling of the quote tweets and responses:
From the emotional interpretations
“to be loved is to be changed” -user @_mar1nn
to the literal
“Also would be pretty wasteful not to do so” -user @Yonowaaru1
The spicy takes about the content-ification of our lives
“Essay to be written about the commodification of journaling for journaling’s sake as performed introspection in the digital age” - user @boywaif
and the spicy takes about the spicy takes
“The way a woman can’t even post a photo without being accused of being a performative try-hard faux-intellectual pandering to social media audiences omg we need to ban that margaret atwood quote” - user @wooingofetain
and for your reference, the Margaret Atwood quote in question
“Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? Up on a pedestal or down on your knees, it’s all a male fantasy: that you’re strong enough to take what they dish out, or else too weak to do anything about it. Even pretending you aren’t catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you’re unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.” - Margaret Atwood
Policing women’s behavior isn’t a new endeavor, but the internet certainly makes it 1) more visible and 2) a team sport. I long for the days of Ariel rebelling against the singular King Triton— now anything posted online can quickly attract an entire ocean’s chastising.
We can’t always change how our content is received, but we can stack the odds in our favor. I sincerely believe this was a simple post with heartfelt intentions to share her journal. Aesthetic content isn’t automatically performative content, and her entire page shares— albeit beautiful— genuine glimpses into the life of a 20-something living in Europe.
I’ve posted from desire and I’ve posted from obligation. If you take a look at my Instagram, you can probably tell easily which is which. Human brains are very good at figuring out when other people are performing, but not when we are ourselves. (And we all get slightly less good at figuring it out when our perspective is clouded by misogyny, but I digress).
A case study in vulnerability
I’m a longtime LONDRE fan, and their vulnerability on social media has been a deep inspiration to me in my work. They leveled it up a step further this fall with a post explaining why they needed to have an end of year sale, not just that they were having one.
The anatomy of a vulnerable post
Uses a conversational amount of emotional adjectives and personal appeals
Captures a complete picture without oversharing beyond the comfort of the author
Maintains a strong POV and cohesive voice, even when deviating from their typical content
And one in performance
At risk of being a bandwagon Kardashian-basher, I don’t think it’s a unique observation to say that the Kardashian-Jenners are known for carefully curating their lives. While Kendall has masterfully executed the aesthetics of a casual photo dump, it still feels a touch too deliberate.
And without fail, TikTok swoops in to confirm. Creators are talking about the possibility that Kendall has someone who curates the books she reads on social media for her. Malicious rumor? Maybe. But the fact that so many TikTok users believe it shows that we’re all a bunch of cynics who see the internet as a fundamentally disingenuous place.
The anatomy of a performative post
A lack of either a strong POV or cohesive personal voice from post to post
Trend-stuffing that caters to the latest in algorithmic favor and Pinterest boards over showing a genuine interest
Pandering “haha look at me” relatability that doesn’t quite land
Perception is truth
I’m not saying that LONDRE’s post is genuine and Kendall’s is performative. If I was, I would be no better than the many aforementioned Twitter/X users dragging a normal girl on the internet for having thoughts, an interior self and *checks notes* knowing how to write. However, there is a vast difference in how these posts were received that makes one a successful vulnerable moment and the other one… well, not.
To me, the difference lies in the knowledge that you’re viewing content that was intentionally chosen as worthy of sharing. We need only to look to “The Devil works hard but Kris Jenner works harder” memes to get at the underlying public belief that the Kardashian-Jenner family will basically post and do anything to stay relevant. On the other hand, we expect brands to be exceedingly selective in what they share in order to remain positioned as aspirational and valuable in our collective conscious. When a brand intentionally adds a new window into their operational side, as LONDRE did, it’s perceived differently. The choice to strategically unveil one new aspect feels personal. Constantly baring all can read as pandering.
Close the blinds, please!
Gating off parts of ourself makes that which is shared all the more genuine. Priya Parker says in her book The Art of Gathering, “by closing the door, you create the room.” Her concept of “generous exclusion” for gatherings has applications in social media too.
When we intentionally close off some parts of ourselves online, it offers richer meaning to both our IRL and digital worlds. We have actively chosen to only share what is worthy of our audience. We have omitted anything boring or self-serving… and perhaps even selectively removed the aspects of ourselves which can’t be accurately contained or reflected by a 60 second video set to trending audio. And in doing so, we have built an audience that trusts us to make these distinctions.
Healthy boundaries on social media can function largely the same way as content pillars. Your audience may not know they are there, directly, but they can tell when they are missing. The process of choosing rules of engagement also establishes a usual beat. Any deviations are trusted to be intentional, well-founded choices because followers know we wouldn’t be sharing it otherwise. There is a different set of boundaries for every brand, creator and account on social platforms, but holding to yours own will make your content better and your vulnerability meaningful.
Boundary-setting creators I admire
Kate Glavan is a wellness influencer who won’t share specifics of her workout plan or “What I eat in a day” content because of her disclosed history with an eating disorder. Instead, she provides personal updates and general advice, always pointing back towards reading scientific materials, working with professionals, and trusting your body.
Abby Mills made the decision to stop accepting paid collaborations a while back and laid out her choice to her followers. She’s incredibly selective about what gifting she accepts, and it’s known to her followers in a way that lends greater credibility to the things she does post. All of which is easily summed up in the first 3 words of her bio— “Just for fun”
Therese Jacinto has graciously broken course from the immediacy of Instagram by thoughtfully revisiting her trips and outfits, even after their fleeting IRL moment has passed. Instead of scrambling to showcase every second of her CDMX trip in real time, she offered thoughtfully curated guides based on her personal experience in the following months.
Boundaries I hold with my content
My posting cadence is my business and my business only. 3 times a day or 1 time a month? It’s my prerogative so don’t ask questions, baby
Please don’t ask me to look good if I’m also planning on sweating. I will never be a pilates princess. I am a pilates gremlin and what I look like when I’m working out is between me, God, and my instructor, Moira. Working out is for my body, not your eyeballs.
If you don’t like me, leave me alone. I’m not actively trying to grow my own Instagram or TikTok account, so any bot, creepy dude or negative nancy is quickly shown the door (read: block button).
How to establish boundaries around your content
Ask “does sharing this expand or diminish the joy I’m experiencing?”
Ask “What do I need in order to feel in control over how long I spend thinking about content or scrolling on the platform?”
Openly share your boundaries with followers if needed and reshare them periodically. New followers will thank you and it keeps everyone on the same page.
Pause before posting While creating content from an emotional place can feel good, publishing it probably doesn’t. Leave that long-winded updated in your drafts until you can revisit it from a grounded and emotionally-neutral perspective. There’s nothing worse than realizing you blew past one of your own boundaries in the heat of the moment.
Post your journal
In the spirit of celebrating what it means to a heartfelt, earnest woman on the interweb, consider a boundary you could set this week that would make it even easier to show up as yourself.
Then, post whatever you want and let the discourse roll right off your back.